There is no one crossroads. There are many. Rarely is a road straight and narrow. Neither is the gravel flat and smooth. They are full of potholes, speedhumps, roundabouts and intersections, which provide many a pleasant and not so pleasant diversion along the way.
Right now, I am in Ballarat, Victoria, Australia, having escaped Sydney and sought refuge with my friends Gary and Marnie, I am seriously contemplating not returning to Sydney. If only I had the resources, that is. The temptation to stay and not return is enormous. My mate Gary, said to me in the car as we were driving to Geelong this afternoon, “You don’t look like you want to return to Sydney in a hurry!”
It’s happened before. It started with a six week holiday to England in 1993, with no great expectations, that turned into a six year adventure that found me new friends, love and took me to Spain, Germany, Holland, the US of A, and all over the UK. Now it’s, “Where the fuck am I going, what the fuck am I doing, and who the fuck loves me?”
And don’t answer me, “There, that and My Mother!”
It’s possible that I already know what I am doing, where I am going, and who I love? Perhaps my future is already unfolding, and I am not aware of it? Perhaps I need to finalise a contract with the Devil before all is revealed?
Shrug!
The memories of my six year overseas sojourn are flooding back. First relationship. Realising I have more inner strength than I credited myself for. Discovering my inner bastardry. Walking home in the middle of the night, intoxicated, down the middle of a dual carriage way. Being loved unconditionally. Discovering more of myself in those six years than I have in my entire life up to that point.
AND, being called a furry ball of sex, with a dirty laugh.
The only thing tying me to Sydney at the moment, is my parents. Once they pass on, what will I have left to connect me to Sydney?
I can’t build a life around my friends, it’s just not possible. There are too many competing distractions. We have different aims and objectives. Our wants and desires don’t always harmonise. Our visions are not always shared.
Modern day life does not encourage nurturing, and demands instant gratification. I am a nurturer, and one who will do the hard graft of relationship building. I am human too, and I get discouraged. Inspite of my attitude now, which is can’t be fucked to bother about love and friendship, my heart still beats with affection for those that I love.
