It is Thursday morning, and I am still not sure what happened Tuesday night.
My Angel of Cuddles was happy his first feature film had finally started shooting. He has worked hard on writing and casting it. He has endured cast changes, broken promises, a turbulent personal life, and the death of friend. He was staking his entire self worth on this one project.
The day started amiably enough, on what was supposed to be a bog standard film shoot, whatever that means, and not the melodrama it became. A day that was prolonged due to the antics of the lead actors, a camera that ceased to work further holding up filming, and the said actors telephoning to say that they are pulling out of the project. Thereby stopping the whole project, which has already been delayed due to the death of a friend and a change in cast.
All these events culminated in a crisis of confidence for my Angel of Cuddles.
I’m not going to share the history that I am privy to, but it is important to understand that his self worth as a human being has endured a battering of rejection and indifference. His self worth that was not shaped by love and sense of place, but by uncertainty and ambivalence. He is hurting and feels worthless, which is why he was staking so much on this one project. Completing the film was going to vindicate to himself and to everyone who did not love or believe in him, that he is talented. That he is a good person. That he is worthy of love and respect.
And so it was with me and the Angel of Cuddles. Laying there, holding him, disregarding all distractions, and letting him pour out his heart. Focussing on his words and thoughts, not mine.
He spoke of rejection, bad relationships, lack of love, feeling unworthy, and a slew of other things that will remain between us. He spoke of experiencing unconditional love. Watching him earlier that day, directing the cast and crew, I saw a hesitant little boy. At the end of the day, that hesitant little boy was still there, shell shocked and disappointed. Later that night, hurting, he was clamouring for reassurance.
I was able to give him that reassurance. Not a string of clichés, but affirmations based on what we shared that day, what I have observed in him since I met him, and some of my own experiences. I was able to illustrate his intelligence and talent as a filmmaker by referring to the day’s work, and his ability to project different personas when he is modeling. I showed him how he had a beautiful personality that belies his raffish behaviour. He knows I can only connect deeply with a person if there is an emotional openness, of which trust plays a huge part.
Listening is a skill, and doing it without being distracted, by one’s own thoughts and responses, is harder still. This was something I’ve never been able to quite manage. I know I am a good person, and I have a good heart, but becoming still takes some effort. To be at one with the moment and not be distracted with the Just focussing on the moment where time stands still, the business [or busyness] of the world fades away, and all that is real and important, at that point in time, is you, and the person you are with.
It’s not the day’s events that I question. They were real and banal enough. It is the down time with my Angel that I am wondering about. I am not sure of what actually transpired. I was unaware of anything happening at the time. Afterwards, though, I am positive something did happen. I felt that a transformation may have occurred. I felt a state of grace had been visited upon me.
I think the transformation must have occurred during our conversation. The epiphanic moment must have been when I revealed my own disappointments and regrets as a kid. Missing out on first love, the fat kid I was and how ugly I felt. The reassurance and affirmations I gave to my Angel, were heartfelt, but were also things I needed to tell myself. That it’s OK to be human, to stumble and to fall, and to pick yourself up and keep on walking.
That’s what I am feeling now, forgiven. So whatever fuck ups I am responsible for, it’s all OK.
Looking back at Tuesday night, I am wondering, perhaps it was serendipity? My original intention was to be my Angel’s shoulder to cry on, be his support, but in the process I discovered something else. Reflecting on the roles that we played, it was like the older Tony reassuring the younger Tony [his inner child] that he is a good person, he can let go of the past, and that it will be OK.
Lying there, watching him sleep, thinking, I am looking at a baby. At peace, and looking at him in amazement, at how he trusts me.
I know I can walk the floor with someone in their moments of doubt and despair. Of that I have no doubt. My ability to give unconditional love, the kind of which I gave so freely to my Angel, I still doubt.
Still! [sigh]
I want to see my Angel grow into a confident and self assured human being. I want him to find the love and acceptance he so craves. I am happy that I was there for him. I am happy that I could reassure and affirm his worth as a human being to himself and others. In reassuring and reaffirming him, I reassured and reaffirmed myself.
