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I have since stopped stewing over the way I responded to my  friend, regarding plans for this coming weekend [Yesterday. It is now Sunday 22 November as I write this!]. Some of you will know what the situation was, and what action I took to fix it. I am not outlining the situation, nor sharing the letter I wrote to my mate, out of respect for his privacy.

I did intend to communicate in an even handed manner, I did have good intentions. But after that first post, I  got so riled that I verbally stormed at my friend, causing him to become defensive. I just took control of the situation. Determining the outcome of the weekend plans, without giving him a chance to put his case forward and allow him to make a decision. AND, pissing him off in the process.

Like I said in, Mephisto’s Comedy Festival: Where Is Tony?, I understood my behaviour and why I responded the way I did.  However, recognising this, and taking constructive steps to repair the damage, is an important step for me. In the past, I have always fought the responsibility of owning my behaviour, accepting responsibility, and making amends. I’m not saying that I am a total prick, just that, I am finally learning to take it on the chin.

I don’t think I would have been so sensitive about the change in plans, if it wasn’t for the post-counselling blues. In fact, I might have been up for doing something new. However, I would have been more level headed, and not conducted an invasion of  Normandy. Still, what is done, is done.

No, I have received no acknowledgement to the email, and while I would like one, I am not expecting to get one. But the aim of the exercise was to make to amends to him, and to forgive myself.  My intention was to take ownership of my behaviour, and to absolve my own conscience. I have done that.

Still, I did end up having a great day. Noreen, a friend I met on Facebook, came down to Sydney. What started out as a Deaf Club date, became a breakfast/ brunch date, and afternoon drinks and art gallery hopping.

Looking back on this situation, is making me reflect on how I form and conduct [for want of a better word] relationships, and the expectations that I bring to them. The above  scenario is the result of a breakdown in communication, and a clash of expectations. There was no real honesty during the conversation [email exchange] itself.

This is making me think of my relationship with another friend.  Let’s call him Joshua. We have known each other for a while now, but it has only been this year, that our relationship has grown beyond the superficial, into a deeper connection and understanding. Mind you, that connection was always there, and that connection sustained our friendship during what I call the shallow period, allowing it to eventually blossom.

My relationship with Joshua is still growing and changing. It is going through the four stages of forming, storming, norming and performing. [A concept I learnt when I was training with Friends For The Young Deaf, 10 years ago, and one that can be used to describe the how people form relationships.] We are stuck at norming, with the occasional storm, but I’m not as scared of these changes  as I used to be. Though I am finding myself questioning my expectations.

What are my expectations of Joshua and our friendship? I don’t know. I guess I am just going along for the ride to see what develops.

During my counselling, my skill in reading my closest friends and family, has become quite sharp. I’m sure, Joshua and all my other close friends, read me as well as I can read them. I am famous for my use of deflection to avoid confrontation, both internally and externally. While I am getting better at NOT deflection or hiding, I do lapse every now and then, such as during my conversation with Damian last Friday night, which turned into yet another counselling session [Damian, if you are reading this, I do tip my hat off to you!]

I have a very good sense of my friend Joshua, who he is, where he is coming from, what he yearns for. I see myself in him. When I am with him, I see myself reflected back at me. No matter, how many walls he throws up, how many deflections he makes, he can’t really hide from me. I don’t think he wants to. He yearns for the same thing we all want, decent relationships with integrity. And he gets that from me.

I have to tip my hat off to Joshua, he was the first person, in along time, to clearly demonstrate to me, that I am a human being worthy of being loved. Maybe Joshua wasn’t the first. I’ve seen it in Alison. I’ve seen it in Hugo. I’ve seen it, but couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge that affection. Or the fact, I inspire affection in people, or inspire them to accept me. I never thought I was that worthy.

People used to tell me, that I light up a  room when I walk in, but I never believed them. My esteem wouldn’t allow me. I can see it now. I can accept it now. I can see it in Joshua’s face. I have grown, and matured to the point now, where I just allow myself to luxuriate in that feeling. It is something that everybody should experience. Not just me. Everybody!

I have to laugh at Joshua’s demonstrations of affection. Not in a nasty way, or because they are comedic, but because I am recognising my own self being reflected back at me. However, there is always one of those, however, like me, Joshua deflects at some moments of vulnerability, which makes me wonder, what is he trying to tell me? What does he wants to share? What does he need to vent?

Why do I have  different picture of Joshua, to the one a lot of other people have? I find it true of all my friends. I am a safe harbour.

As I said, I am not afraid of the changes and growing pains in my relationship with Joshua [but who is kidding themselves I wonder?], and I am happy to cruise along the highway, on a  journey of discovery. If there was no integrity there, I wouldn’t open myself or allow myself to be vulnerable with him! Or anyone else for that matter!