I was leaning against the wall of the building Booth Street Bistro, Annandale last night. It was late, and the night was cool. Tiger and I were lost in the conversation that she, I and Danielle had been having all afternoon.

“I want to ask you a question.”

“What?” I replied

“When you die,” Tiger said, “and the conflict between you and Wil remains unresolved, will  you come to him in his dreams and say goodbye?”

I said, “No!”

“Why not?”

I replied, “What’s the point?”

“To let go.”

“But he already let go now.”

“I know, but it’s for you. To acknowledge the good times, and your love.”

“I don’t see the point.”

“And to tell him that it’s OK.”

“No.” Shaking my head vehemently

“But why not?” Tiger kept asking

“He already said goodbye. If he won’t  come to me and resolve our conflict now, what would be the point of me to say goodbye then?”

“Because you love him.”

“So!?”

She looked at me, taking in my stubbornness.

“Why should I make the first move?” I spat.

“Because you love him.” She repeated

“When I die it will be too late. He had his chance. Chances.” I crouched putting my hands on my knees.

“Look let me tell you a story, about a friend of mine. She is divorced. Her ex-husband was not good to her.”

I nodded, my eyes listening intently.

“One night she had this dream. Her ex husband came to her. He saw that she was happy, and that the new life she had created was good. He came to tell her that he is sorry for the pain he caused her, and that he came to say goodbye, and wish her well.”

I nodded. Understanding where she was taking the story.

“When she woke up the next morning, she received the news that he had died.”

“I understand what you are telling me.” I said. But I remained unmoved.

“I know..but…”

“It wouldn’t change anything. “

“It not meant to change anything. Like I said……”

“Tell me,” I interjected.

“What?” Tiger asked.

“Tell me, after I die, and he comes to you, and asks you if I forgave him, what will you tell him?”

“I will tell him, that you already forgave him, and ask him why did he take so long. Why didn’t he do anything about this before?”

I was on the verge of tears.

“Well there,” I said crouching, “If he can’t be arsed to fix what he broke, why should I?”

“I know.” she sympathised.

“Yeah,” I sighed.

I was grateful to Tiger for allowing me the opportunity to express my pent up anger.

If the truth be told, it is not Wil I am angry with. It is not the stupid fallout I am angry about. I am angry with myself for being meek, when I should have been resolute. I am angry with myself for being a conciliatory wanker, when I should have told the fucker off. I am angry with myself for not being assertive, and sticking up for myself.

However, when all is said and done, can I impart the same forgiveness towards Wil, that Mountain Man bestowed on me, countless times?