August 4th, 2010
By Tony Posted in Committment, Inner Work, Love & Eros, Relationships, Self, Self Development, Self Knowledge, Self Work, Spiritual & Personal Growth, The Midnight Rambler, communication, friendship, inner work

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation PII

I was meditating on the conversation I had with Mountain Man last Friday night and I like where I am now, and I like where I am going. When I wrote Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation, there was more I wanted to say, but I had to pull back, until I sorted out what I wanted to say.

I have been doing a fucking lot of work on myself the last two years, even more so, in the months after I stopped counselling. Looking back, I suppose you could say, that the shit that hit the fan, was a necessary kick up the arse. Necessary to stop the rot of complacency setting in, because I was thinking, I have finished counselling, I have changed, ignoring the fact that I had a lot more work to do.

I was so high I was the lucky one
Then I came crashing down like a drunk on a barroom floor
Searching for my beautiful reward
Searching for my beautiful reward [My Beautiful Reward, Bruce Springsteen]

And so the shit did hit the fan. Indulge me my melodrama, if you will, and roll your eyes too, if you will. But the shit hit the fucking fan!

I was ricocheting emotions left, right and centre. I was jettisoning a life time’s worth of shit. I was a budding film director’s headlining act for a season on Broadway [read: Facebook]. I went to parties where stonewalling and avoidance were popular party games. I tied myself in knots. I belittled myself in reconciliation, flagellating myself for being such a bad boy. I played the role of punching bag, and falling for the bullshit that all my conflicts, past and present, were my fault, symptomatic of a recurring pattern. And, IT WAS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT!

Time passes, as time does, and after several months, the shit finally began to clear, I breathe a sigh of relief. There have been some casualties, such as honesty, integrity, trust, and an avoidance of certain social gatherings. But I am happy that my important friendships remain intact, I am forgiven, I am still loved, and I continue to change and grow.

However, there is a lingering resentment, which manifests itself as an emotional and mental block. It wasn’t until a recent incident forced me to recognise and acknowledge that I am still angry. It is forcing me to question my own integrity and values. It is forcing me to examine the direction I am taking my relationships with people.

I am angry for a number of reasons. I took on all of the responsibility for the conflicts I experienced. I break it I fix it, they break it, I still fix it. I took full responsibility when conflicts blew out of all proportion because of the aggrieved person’s own complicity. I even took responsibility for the person’s own complicity. And I am pissed off because it is me that has to mop up any unfinished business.

The question now is why am I allowing myself to be derailed by conflicts that started because I was being human? Why am I being derailed by other people’s humanity? Why am I taking on their shit as well as my own?

But I am not being derailed. As I said earlier, I am still moving, working things out, growing and changing. I am avoiding certain socials, until I can work my way through the emotional blocks I have. A friend recently reminded me, “You should attend the socials with an air of forgiveness and accommodation. If they are indifferent, then you effect the same indifference.” I said to him, “I don’t want to make nice. I am not ready to make nice. Having been subjected to that shit earlier this year, I will be damned if I am gunna eat cheese, again!”

Now that I have acknowledged my anger, the question is, “What do I want to see happen?” I am still working on that one, and that any resolution has to sit with my conscience. Suffice to say, the shit you shovel, I won’t be eating!

You see, one of the scary things about working my way through my issues, is coming to a point of indifference. I don’t drop friends that easily. My sense of loyalty is too strong. Love changing to hate, I understand, because hate can turn back into love. But indifference, that’s scary, that’s really letting go, and once I let go, I rarely go back!

So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
Or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of Philadelphia  [Streets of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen]

Related Posts:

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation

Route 66 [The Last Cafe Before The Open Road]

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August 2nd, 2010
By Tony Posted in Committment, Inner Work, Inspiration, Love & Eros, Relationships, Self, Self Work, Spiritual & Personal Growth, The Midnight Rambler, communication, friendship, inner work

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation

Last Friday night, while we were waiting for dinner to cook, Mountain Man was making a spag bowl, we cracked open a bottle of champers. That bottle of champers led to a bottle of Semillon Blanc, which led to a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon Shiraz, which led to a bottle of Shiraz, which led to us calling it quits at 10 o’clock, and leaving the remaining glass to languish overnight. If you are counting, it all adds up to one drunken stupor and a conversation that came left of centre.

I will only speak for myself, but the next morning I was hungover. Not from an alcohol induced haze, but from the exhaustion that set in after our hearts, minds and mouths, worked overtime as judge, jury and executioner that spared no one, including ourselves.

Other than Art, Sex, Drugs and Rock’n’Roll, our conversation was about the usual shit: life, love, the universe, and the crossing of swords. As they always are. To be privy to what we ACTUALLY talked about, or what we DO ACTUALLY talk about, you need to become a fly on the wall, or become such a good friend, that we allow you into our inner sanctum.

Very few people get to experience the full force of my true personality. Most experience my public persona, the image I portray, or selected aspects of me that I choose to share. It’s what I have learnt to do, to hive off aspects of myself for public consumption, and hide the rest lest I be thought of in a bad light. Nowadays, I am learning not to give a shit. I am learning to choose who I share myself with. After all, not many people are willing to have relationships devoid of labels and role playing.

Integrity and trust are paramount to whom, I let into my inner sanctum, and are equally paramount to how I conduct my close, personal relationships.  I have worked hard for the close friends that I have, and the level of trust that I append to them.  As a result, I have developed some expectations, that some would say are unrealistic. To that charge, I say, do not raise those expectations if you do not plan to meet them! A facile thing to say, I know, but that’s a discussion for another time.

The title of this post, “Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation”, was coined by my friend Noreen during a conversation we had last Sunday morning, where I was describing my relationship with Mountain Man over the years. If there is one thing that characterises our relationship, it is one of forgiveness and trust, without which, the work I put into friendship would have been meaningless.

During our hazed stupor of a conversation, I asked Mountain Man, once again, “How was it that he maintained his trust in me, inspite of our conflicts?” Not the forgiveness and the love, but also the trust. We always picked up where we left off. We always resumed communication as if our conflicts didn’t happen, but as I said to him, “The thing is you still trusted me to share personal stuff with me!”

His response was simple. “You never backstabbed me!”

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