Mephisto’s Comedy Festival

If you are a Deafie who likes having a punt [a bet] on the races: horses, greyhound, car, or any of the myriad forms that people dream up in search of illict thrills involving money, then you are going to absolutely love the latest developments in the sport of racing.

1. Chasing The Implant
2. Implanting The deafie

As we all know, Deafies love a good spectacle. Nothing more so, than one that involves money and placing a bet.  Chasing the Implant and Implanting the deafie were created with just this in mind.

They are a variation on the dog [or greyhound] racing games. Where a line of dogs are let lose to chase a mechanical rabbit around a racing track, and people bet on which dog will come first, etc.,

Chasing  The Implant, is a rather sedate affair, where a line of deafies chase a cochlear implant around the racetrack  in lieu of the mechanical rabbit. Bets can be placed on which deafie is likely to win. That is, catch the itinerant cochlear implant.

Implanting The deafie, on the other hand, is designed to appeal to the more blood thirsty type. It involves a line of surgeons, each with a bag of operating instruments. Bets are placed against which surgeon is thought likely to win. To enhance the spectacle, bets can be placed against the success of the implantation, which is carried out on the race track, without any anesthetic, in full view of the crowds. To quell the disappointment of the surgeons who missed out on the first three places, they get to hold the deafie down while the first three surgeons carry out the operation.

Further bets can be made against how much blood will be [or likely to be] spilt.

Plans are afoot to record the races, especially Implanting The deafie,  in both audio and film. Furthermore, board games similar to Snakes & Ladders and Monopoly, are being planned.

In a press release just received from Cyborg Laboratories, all future implant recipients will also be made Teletext/ CC compliant.

Mummy Thunderthighs, CEO, of her children’s welfare, described this new advance as miraculous. She intoned that God had visited her in a  dream, describing this new technology, and how to make it happen. She also said, that God had commanded that she sacrifice her first born, as the guinea pig to test the veracity of this new technology.

Where upon her precious princess immediately fell on the ground, and started convulsing as her eyes rolled up into her head, and speaking in tongues. Miraculously not choking on any of them.

The Teletext/ CC device will be implanted where the mouth is. It will by pass the mouth, and be connected directly to the audio area of the brain. This is a boon for Deaf people who have run into regular trouble when communicating with the non signing oral deaf. In a positive move, the device will also include a Sound on/off button and volume control. So if you ever wanted to tell an oral deaf person to shut up, or tone them down, you can.

Later developments hope to feature a sound equaliser, and a tuner.

Unlike current TV and Cable programming, Cyborg technicians guarantee that all implantees witht eh Teletext/ CC device, will be 100 per cent accessible.

Of course, the Deaf community is up in arms criticising this development as biased towards English users, and not catering for sign language users.

Cyborg technicians have stressed that they have included specifications for the inclusion of sign language access into implant recipients, but research has found much there is still a lot of resistance to this idea. It was felt that Teletext/ CC was a happy compromise.

Princess, hoped that Cyborg laboratories will add USB capability to the implant. She said, “this would allow friends to share their audio frequencies, and have Lan Plant parties”.