I was going to publish the follow up chat to Letting Go [Working Out What!], but after an initial edit, I decided I am not going to. There is too much detail in it to do it justice, and I didn’t want to betray the privacy of some people I had to make peace with.
When I first met Damian, there is no way I would have talked this deeply without being defensive or deflective, to delve deep into my [our] psyche [s] as we did in this unpublished chat, and explore situations in detail. This chat marked an important moment in my life. It provided me with the key that I could use to let go of the shit from my childhood that I has been dogging every step that I have taken in my life to date. I realised that I am no longer faced with an insurmountable obstacle. I still have my work cut out in letting go of my past, but it is no longer insuperable.
Damian identified, or should I say, crystallised, three key issues that influenced my outlook and relationships with people. It was a eureka moment. Not so much for finally understanding, or for being able to recall "suppressed" childhood memories, but for the candor with which I acknowledged and embraced them. What they are, I have only shared them with my friend Gemma [The Scarlett Tiger], Catherine Brastel, and maybe Marnie and Gary, I can’t recall, and they are gunna stay with me for now.
The point is that I have accepted these issues, and the part they played in my life to date. You could say, I have accepted my humanity, flaws and all. The next step is to forgive myself.
The Scarlett Tiger has been following my journey since the beginning of the year and it is with her that I re-discovered what it means to have a relationship based on WHO I am, and not what I am. Mountain Man was the first. No contest people, as jealous as some may be. Mountain man is especially important to me, not just because what I have learnt from him, but also for the opportunity to acknowledge and resolve past grievances, letting go of expectations, and most importantly, the opportunity to just enjoy the relationship.
One of the most remarkable things about our relationship is not his capacity for forgiveness, but his ability to pick up where we left off, with no break in the intimacy, connection [if you like] or the trust he placed in me. It only hit me recently, how he would assume our relationship with the same level of intimacy and trust that was not soured by any of my conflicts with him or time apart. That perhaps, is a lesson I still have to learn.
Still, I am in a good place. My state of being is very different to what it was six months ago, let alone two years ago. The negativity that used to permeate my being, no longer has the stronghold it used to have on me.
At this point, I want to give thanks to my friend Alison Bryan, who inspired me two years ago, with her talk of becoming a whole person. A conversation that prompted me to start a process of change that is leading me back to myself, and the real challenge that is yet to come.
