Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

February 17th, 2010 By Tony Posted in Committment, Relationships, communication, friendship

You Gotta Have Friends

How is it that one can look at someone who is supposed to be a friend and think, “What an ugly person?”  How is it that one can look at a person with whom you have been friends for a long time, and suddenly see a stranger instead? Would you laugh or cry?

Without going into detail, I am currently estranged from a long time friend, and I am damned if I know what I am going to do about it. I chewed the ear off another friend, to whom I admitted that I am sorely tempted to let the whole fucking friendship go down the gurgler. I am thinking, “Enough already!” In fact the only feelings of love for my friend that I harbour are of the violent kind. If I gave you, my faithful readers a graphic description of those feelings, would you not think, “Where did Tony go?”

The whole issue of love and friendship is such a huge bug bear for me. I take close friendship seriously, I feel them rather deeply, and I have staying power.  Too much sometimes, me thinks. Though with this particular friend, I’m not sure I want to stay. That makes me sound like a callous bastard I know, and as one friend asked me, “Is this friend really worth all that trouble?” Well, inspite of everything, of course I think my friend is worth it. All my friends are worth it.

I’ve survived far worse fallouts, and I’ve gone back and fixed them all up. Ask Mountain Man, he will tell you. He has seen me at my worse, and still had room in his heart to forgive me. Then again, as he said to me this past weekend, “We survived because we talked, we had it out, and we moved on.” Yeah I agree, however, I just am not sure I want to fix this one though. Don’t know why. Maybe it’s the effort required. Yes I know, I am contradicting my earlier assertion that all my friends are worth it.

Sure I fucked up big time, but then again so did my friend. Not as big as me, perhaps, but still. Well my friend is fucking up now! That balances it out! I am sick of making all the first moves, sick of opening up my heart while my friend plays the academic, and sick of making myself vulnerable, all for the love of a fucking friendship.

This estrangement [close friendships are like love affairs], where I witnessed my friend as a stranger, was one of the many eye-opening experiences I have been having these last few weeks.

In my writings about letting go, moving on, and personal changes, I have been so intent on the “observable” and external [conscious] process and pace, anxious that change happens, that I have ignored the inner and less obvious [the subconscious] metamorphosis that has been occurring.

I was sitting at the dining room table, with The Scarlet Tiger and The Angel of Cuddles in Angel’s flat, on Monday 11 January, 2010 [of course]. We had just completed a fotoshoot, finished dinner, and we were relaxing over a glass of wine.  I was watching them as they conversed, and I felt a wave of love ripple across my face. A love with no rhyme or reason. It just sprung up and out from within me. Was this unconditional love, I’m still not sure, but I do know, that it was a love devoid of ulterior motives.

It was a eureka moment. A moment that I was not quite prepared for. Thinking about it now, I am not sure what that portends exactly, but it is a good feeling. It is opening up the road down which I have longed to travel. One where I am free to be myself, free to love who I want to love, and free of the burden of expectation.

Meanwhile, do I miss my friend? In spite of all that I have said? Fucking hell I do!

January 2nd, 2010 By Tony Posted in Relationships, The Midnight Rambler, friendship

Ode To Friendship [Just A Closer Walk With Thee]

I’ve had a brilliant close to 2009 and a brilliant opening to 2010. I am feeling damn good.

I saw out 2009, and welcoming in 2010, with my Mountain Man, a mate I have known for 27 years.  A connection that was instantaneous when we were first introduced, and in our 27 years, we have endured a butting of heads, me falling in love with him, me projecting unfair expectations onto him, falling out and making amends. Along the way, we have always reaffirmed our friendship. He more than anyone, taught me what a man could be, that a man could be a three dimensional human being with feelings and emotions, and that I can be myself and still find unconditional love.

He has given me the most precious gift a human being could give another. He gave me the freedom [and the space] to be myself.

Many of my friends know of Mountain Man, and have never met him, but I always sing his praises. I sing the praises of all my friends. Anyway, on New Year’s Eve, and New Years Day, two of my friends Colleen and Damian, finally got to meet my Mountain Man, via webcam. Colleen met him first on New Year’s Eve, and she likes what she sees. She wants to bring him out of his shell. The next morning, Damian remarked, how at ease I am with him, and that I should live with him. Damian was also got treated to an impromptu display of my Mountain Man’s bass playing prowess.

I’m laughing as I recall Colleen, Damian and My Mountain Man putting faces to names, and Mountain Man’s shyness. And Damian got to feel a bit more connected with me and my life [Thumbs up mate!]

One of the most surprising affirmations I received on New Year’s Eve, was via an anecdote from my Mountain Man. We were talking about friends, love, aging and loss. He told me that a mutual friend had said to him, that he would never be alone. He has three people in his life, she said, who are constant; Martin [mutual friend from art college days], me, and herself. I was gobsmacked really. I know we are mates, I know that I am constant in his life, and I know that the only thing that will separate us is our respective deaths. To know that innately is one thing, but to have it acknowledged by outside forces is really, um, just like, fark, wow!

The Scatlett Tiger

The Scarlett Tiger

I have never celebrated New Year’s Day itself, but yesterday I did. It wasn’t a celebration as such, but it felt like one.  I met up with the Scarlett Tiger, and we ended coming to my place, where we were chatted, laughed, shared, reflected, and shook our heads, at life, love and the people we know. Our friendship is still young [six months], but what amazes me about her, is how hungry for the world she is. She is not constrained by stereotype. She is only 22. That’s right 22 years old, and busting to make her mark on the world, and make her life count. When my mate Gary saw a video of her on Facebook, he was gobsmacked. He said to me, “That girl has no hangs up about herself, at all!”

When I think about the women in my life, I think. “Yeah!” They are all strong women: Noreen, Colleen, Marnie, Alison, among others, like my rock stars. They are strong women who don’t set out to emulate men, but simply to be themselves, a lesson I am still learning. There is no mistake about why I am attracted to Suzi Quatro. Like the Scarlett Tiger, she has no hang ups about herself, at all!

Yesterday, the Scarlett Tiger asserted our friendship in a totally unexpected way. She said to me, something about seeing it through. About not wanting to be fairweather friends, but being friends for life, until death separates us.  It looks better in Auslan, but take my word for it; there is no mistaking her conviction. This from a 22 year old!

At 48, I am starting to feel the generation gap. It becomes really apparent in some of the social circles I have been mixing in of late, mostly young people.  However, there’s two young people that I am close to, and with whom I don’t feel my age when I am with them, the Scarlett Tiger whom I’ve already spoken about, and Joshua. Both young, and lack the experience that us oldies have, but both have this instinct that is not bound by social, cultural and time constraints. Joshua may be more hesitant than the Tiger, and I was more so than him, but he does have this instinct [for want of a better word] that I tap into. He too is a keeper.

If there is one person I need to thank for me being at the place I am today, it is my friend Alison Bryan. She was the inspiration behind my move to get off my arse and fix myself. She was the one who spoke to me about becoming a whole person again. She was the one who inspired me, and made me realise the energy I was expending by maintaining my disparate identities. She is the one who said that she is part of the furniture in my life. She is the one whose presence pervades my life, even the silences, which I like.

I am blessed with some really good people in my life. When I look at them, everyone I have mentioned here in this post, and everyone whom I haven’t mentioned, and when I think about them [and that is all the time, but you already knew that], I am reminded once again, as always, that there is good in the world, and they are the evidence.

[Whisper] The Scarlett Tiger knows what I got up to on New Year’s Eve. [Wink!] So does Colleen [she blushed] and ****** [I showed ya mate!]. Mountain Man does, cos he was with me :-P

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