Radio666fm

It is now Saturday afternoon, the heat, the heat, the heat, and I am exhausted. Emotionally exhausted, rather than physical. My head is throbbing, and my tinnitus is celebrating Christmas rather early. Actually, it’s been making whoopee for quite some time now, and there are no signs of it letting up.

I am looking forward to my forthcoming break. I am heading down south to Ballarat, Victoria. I just have to escape Sydney for a while, I can’t process the internal changes that are happening while I stay here. My friend Gary shone like a beacon, in the night, and I turned my face towards that light and I remembered his invitation. He had been “begging” me to come down for a while now.

“Just come down.” said Marnie.

“Just come down Tone” Gary chimed in.

So I am throwing caution to the wind, with a great big “FUCK IT, I’M GUNNA DO IT!” and heading down south. It took me all of 30 minutes to discuss, confirm and book.  Online.

I’m going down by day train, and returning on a night train. I could go by plane, but the train is actually less hassle. Besides, it will be a homage to my past trips, through the Australian countryside. Been a long time since I saw the outback, the bush, when my father used to drive over to Adelaide to pick up me, my mother and brothers, after a family holiday, and we would drive back via the coast, all the way up to Sydney.

Shaking my head at the memories! In a brown Chevy, hotels, heat, pub lunches, long stretches of nothing and cows humping!

I am excited about going down. Apart from soothing some frayed nerves, I have no plans other than to chill out, do some writing, finish some art work, a couple of bibs and bobs for Deaf Australia NSW, and allow my subconscious to lay the foundations for whatever may come.

I’ve had more intensive self analysis post counselling than I have had during. And I am grateful, because, my friends have given me the opportunity to explore further, the issues that came up during my counselling sessions. I got to explore them without the pressure of time. Conversations took their natural course. But I am still hanging out for the one point of release I still need to do. That I want to do. I still want to be able to break down and have a good cry.

I came close, when I went to see the Angel of Cuddles, last Monday. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t let go. I sighed instead.

The point of a good cry, is let go of my grief for the past. To acknowledge the fuck ups, the missed opportunities, the regrets, and my long gone youth. To kiss them all goodbye, so that I may be born again. I need to become me. I need to become the person I know I am. I need to become whole. To reconcile Tony with Mephisto.

Today, I had two long conversations. One with Noreen (7.30 am to just on ten), and not long after, friend Damian (which lasted until 1 pm, Sydney time). Both of them are LEO’s, birthday a week apart, but Noreen is water to my fire, whilst Damian is fire to my fire. Interestingly, both of them are LEO’s, but Noreen is water to my fire, and Damian is fire to my fire. A raging fire. This gets me thinking about my relationships with some of my other friends in terms of the elements.  My Angel of Cuddles is definitely earth, he grounds me. My Mountain Man is water [deep blue sea]. Joshua is water [a bubbling brook]. Colleen is fire [glowing embers], and Alison is water [raging ocean].

My chat with Damian this morning was a rather intense rumination. I am OK with that, because he is a fucking good friend, and there is a lot of love there, that has withstood the geographical separation and decade since we last saw each other. Ditto with my friend Alison. I know my instincts, which serve me well when I listen to them. My sense of them comes through quite strongly, and text can convey more meaning and presence than many people will acknowledge. I have witnessed the changes in their lives through text and webcam.

Anyhow, the point I want to make is, yes my ruminations with Damian are rather intense, but I am finding that I am less and less inclined to run from, or deflect if you like, from some of the observations he makes. I still deflect, and he does keep pointing it out [FYD ], but he is not judging. He re-affirms, that it is unrealistic to expect an overnight change, in a habit that has been a mainstay for my entire life.

You know what? I don’t want to run. I don’t want to run from my friends. I want honest relationships with them. I want to fight with them, fearlessly, as much as I want to love them. I want to be fully human with them. I want to embrace the adult in me. Try to forsake childish ways.

I first discovered this adult like response in one of my early chats with Noreen. It does feel good. It doesn’t mean I am striving for perfection. It means I am working to take ownership of me. It means assuming the responsibility of determining the best course of action for me. It also means, acknowledging my humanity, and to stop apologising for it.