The following transcript is my chat with my friend Damian on 3 June 2010. I am posting it with Damian’s blessing. It has been edited to remove any personal references, other than mine, and to make it easier to read.
I wanted to share this conversation for two reasons, one of which is to put myself out there, and let it go. Not to worry about exposing this side of me. The other is to share myself, so that others may read and gain some insights of their own, especially men. Damian showed this transcript to a friend of his, who was then able to reflect and recongnise some issues they needed to resolve.
Please note, the references to conflicts are not to be taken as referring to any particular situation, or any particular person. My aim is illustrate in general terms the work I am doing on myself, and not to pass judgment or criticism of any situation or people.
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Damian: Hello. How are you, especially after your blog posts, Route 66 [Get Your Kicks] Part 1 &Route 66 [Get Your Kicks] Part 2 this week?
Tony: You’ve been following have you? What were your thoughts then?
Damian: Well I sensed a similar situation to when I was going through mine. A mixture of feeling lost, feeling impatient, and lack of trusting in moving forward, as it was an unknown going forward when the past is known and is part of your comfort zone.
Tony: Hmmm….. I was actually stuck in terms of do I really want to make peace with the past or dump it all together, but the spiritual guide picked up on that I was still letting my past hold me back and she is right.
Damian: Yes for me it was OK, I let go of the past, made peace with it and moved forward, but to move forward to what? That was something I had to work out.
Tony: I know what I want to move forward to, but fear is holding me back.
Damian: I see. Seems you have it worked out then and further along than I thought.
Tony: I am further along than I care to admit, and as my cousin says [who came with me and sat in on the reading] I spend too much time dipping my toes in the water rather than just going for it.
Damian: Well you know what to do then jump in the fucking water and swim. LOL!
Tony: LOL! I am going with the flow more and more. In my last blog post, the one about the reading summary would you agree with them?
Damian: It is not what my opinion says, it is what you feel and you need to own them, and believe them. You don’t need validations from others. The very thing you want to avoid, from reading between your blogs, is you need to own your own thoughts and beliefs. At this present moment they are yours and yours alone.
Tony: Yes I know and I do and I am working on that believe you me, but for the sake of shooting the shit just like to know what your thoughts are
Damian: Well my thoughts are!!!!!!!!!!! you have reverted back to the ever increasing over analysing phase you periodically manifest from time to time. Maybe Mephisto breaking out, you just need to find that quiet place in your mind and embrace the new beginning of accepting the present and accepting what will be will be.
Tony: You have a valid point and maybe I have and that is the thrust of the reading… so as per the reading, I am starting a process of letting go making list of things to let go. I write them down and then rip the paper up and throw it away. This week I started with one of my conflict situations, wrote down what I wanted to let go, the negative feelings, ripped up the paper, threw it in the bin garbage on collection night and is gone.
Damian: Has it really gone?
Tony: Not totally no, but is lots better than before.
Damian: The writing down and paper method is a common thing. It partly removes it but does not totally remove it I found I had to go one further .
Tony: How? What did you do?
Damian: Well when I wrote things down I kept it and re read, it and re read it, and re read, it over a few days, and while reading it, I had to declare to myself that I am better than this and I don’t need this in my life, and I acknowledge and feel sorry for the person or situation who caused me this angst . Then when I felt I had finished that ritual I ripped in up, and made a promise to myself that I can do no more. I have done what I can and it is not going to be my problem anymore.
Tony: Hmmmmm, maybe I will try your method cos I need to be sure that I am not throwing the baby out with the bath water. I need to be letting go for the real reasons.
Damian: The heart of it is positive affirmation within yourself that it is not going to continue be a problem in your life, and from allowing you to move forward the other part if quietening the mind of this angst.
Tony: Yes I hear you I will rethink my list…
Damian: Actually your last comment sums it up, “I need to be sure I am not throwing the baby out with the bath water” that tells me you are picking out bits of what you want to throw away. You are analysing your own process as you go along. It is all or nothing. You can’t let go of bits. It is a whole, not the sum of parts of a whole.
Tony: My point is if it is my behavior I want to let go of, or how I respond to a situation that I want to let go of, and not the person get me? I want to stop being affected by other people’s behaviour and I want to stop carrying the fallout.
Damian: Yes I get you, but to let go of one behavior, you have to replace with behavior, and you need to identify or you may have already done this, what behaviour you want your new self to behave like.
Tony: Yes I hear you. That’s my point cos, I don’t necessarily want to throw away good relationships,
but yeah I take your point and will think on it some more. I did do one thing yesterday that was positive
I stopped myself from rushing in to help somebody in a sticky situation, I decided to hold back and let them ask me, they didn’t but that’s OK. I feel much better about that make sense?
Damian: Yes that is what is called rescuing, a very common thing I was doing and it was the one thing I stopped doing after my counseling.
Tony: …… Yeah thanks for that
Damian: You’re welcome. So are you ok though.
Tony: Yeah I am fine. The reading gave me a jolt I needed, so I am thinking how am I gunna move forward, so am trying to do small things to move forward. I am not depressed, I am actually quite relieved.
Damian: Have you thought about what you would like to achieve in moving forward?
Tony: Actually no, funny you should say that!
Damian: There’s your problem.
Tony: I have been thinking of letting go, and not thinking of where to. LOL! Fuck of course!
Damian: You can’t do one without the other.
Tony: Thank you mate, thank you. Yes you are right. Where do I wanna go and how am I gunna get there, THEN start effecting changes.
Damian: Write that in your blog you had a eureka moment there.
Tony: Whilst talking to the philosopher. LOL.
Damian: LOL
Tony: To be honest, I don’t fancy bringing Mephisto back into my blogging, that negative energy was just too draining.
Damian: I know but Mephisto will always be there while you are still in limbo. Mephisto will become less and less of a presence when you begin to move forward in going somewhere, to be in some place that you have thought about and planned to get there.
Tony: Yes he is there and I will explore him in my art work, that is fine, but in context of blogging Nah….to be honest I have fought several urges to tear into some people and feel quite good about it.
Damian: So let’s spend a bit more time on your eureka moment, so I ask again what do you want to achieve in moving forward, quieten your mind and ponder on this question.
Tony: Thinking…. it’s simple really I want to feel at peace with myself, have a good relationship, do work I enjoy that is creative and stimulating, good social circle, and enjoy the rest of my life.
Damian: OK, that is a start and it is not really that simple. You need some time to work on it, as I think you have just twigged that in order to move forward you need to think about the life after you have moved forward, and when you have got that, then you begin the transition. So what you have said above is your ultimate end goal. For each statement you need to ask your how do I want to do that? Peace with yourself how are you going to be at peace, what do you need to let go to achieve that what is the price of letting go of this can you live with that if answer is yes then do it to be happy with yourself what do you need in order to be happy how are you going to get this to help you be happy what do I need to let go in order to be happy what will I lose if I let go can I live with that if yes let go get my drift?
Tony: Yes I do actually and as you type I keep coming back to the way I *behave* I can see it like I am stepping outside a situation.
Damian: So you need to identify how you want to behave in the new future.
Tony: Yes that is the key for me I think the key.
Damian: What I did was, I drew a picture of me as a body and I filled it with words connected to how I wanted to behave in the future and to be my true self.
Tony: This has clarified what I mean by throwing out the baby with the bathwater what if the problem is not the person but how I behave so the issue is to change how I behave.
Damian: No I don’t see it that way.
Tony: How do u see it?
Damian: I worked out, if I find out how I want to behave and then carry out my day to day life with the way I want to behave, then people who know you will either continue to be associated with you, with your new behavior, etc and there will be others who don’t want to associate with you, then they let go, not you. You will have people surround you for what your new you is, and those who were more associated with the old you will move on. You can’t control that outcome.
Tony: Yes I get you, you are right.
Damian: I’ll give you an example, after my counselling I change to how I wanted to behave in the future. Some friends did not like the new me, and they moved on. I accepted it. There were others, and they moved on. But I gained new people who liked me for what I was and that helped. This was something I could not control. You said something earlier on our chat, that you were trying to conform to what you want to be, but you also wanted to hold on to your friends. You can’t do that. You can’t control that, or this will end up controlling you and the changes you want to make.
Tony: Yes. As you were typing and your words came up on the screen, I saw that and I saw what your point was, so yeah, and it comes back to what do I want and how do I go about it, and not what situation do I want.
Damian: What I think you should do next is step out of your current Mephisto moment as shown in your blog, and just seriously spend time working out what you would like to achieve in moving forward in more detail and when we chat again we explore this further.
Tony: I hear you mate, I hear you.
Damian: OK!
Tony: Seriously.
Damian: I will say no more about that.
Tony: I am actually feeling good about what you have given me.
Damian: Well dwell on it. You don’t have that eureka moment often.
Tony: It’s I dunno, summat to work with …… and it makes more sense than just thinking of things to let go and letting them go. I wasn’t thinking of what I wanted to achieve you gave me a direction, so THANX!
Damian: So your next blog post should be an uplifting moment I think it might reassure your friends who read it.
Tony: LOL! You mean the ones who can’t deal with me? Sorry [being facetious] I do have friends who take me as I am warts and all.
Damian: No, I mean the ones who might have concerns if you are ok
Tony: Fair enough.
Damian: Like I did when I read it.
Tony: Funny cos one friend, didn’t take it as a negative, then again we have been communicating a rather lot and when you are in regular communication, you have a better sense of where the person is at. I take your point though.
Damian: Actually, I’m not sure I agree with that.
Tony: Why
Damian: You said you have friends who take you warts and all, this is good. It means they will accept the new person you want to be so the fear of losing them can be minimal, when you have friends who as you said been communicating a lot sometimes when things are too close you don’t see the bigger picture.
Tony: Yeh.
Damian: For me, cos I have not read your blog for a while, I was able to see things more objectively although I am as close to you and in that moment I saw what was happening.
Tony: Hmmmm..
Damian: ….or what I perceived what was happening so that’s why I asked if you were OK.
Tony: Hey you aren’t doing anything I wouldn’t do…I ask friends if they are OK, if I pick up on something.
Damian: …..and also had a concern if you were OK, and I am gunning for you to achieve that ultimate happiness you are seeking.
Tony: Mate I know you do, and one of the things I am tapping into trusts the feelings of my friends.
I am just doing it more and more…knowing that I do have my best friends support even though they live all over the world. For example, I just think about what you would say, and know you are not judging me. Actually there is a core group of friends that I have no fear of losing
Damian: Then what do you have to lose then? I would rather have a core group of friends who take me for what I want to be, and not bother with the hundreds who prefer the old me. It made my life worth living, rather than performing for those who put me on the pedestal.
Tony: Oh I have nothing to lose really.
Damian: There you go then, one obstacle removed. So starting thinking about what you want to achieve in the new you, and get that toe in the water and jump in it.
Tony: Yeh…….. Thank you ever so much.
Damian: That’s what friends are for.
Tony: This is where your trainer skills come in handy. Damn, I’ve never felt so receptive to advice like this before.
Damian: Can we agreed something though?
Tony: What?
Damian: Why don’t you think about this some more, take some time out and think about what you want to achieve in moving forward, and either send it to me, and when we chat next we explore this deeper.
Tony: Good idea. Will sleep on it, will sleep on it.
Damian: Wank on it! Sleep on this! Eat on it! …….anything on it, just keep thinking about that question.
Tony: I can’t avoid it since the reading that’s all that has been on my mind.
Damian: Yes, perhaps I have helped to crystallise it.
Tony: But your way, your method of letting go is the right one for me, cos it chimes with my instinct and gives me a clear path. You see mate that’s why I like asking my friends for their opinions, it’s not about me changing my point of view for the sake of it, but if what you say chimes with my instinct, then I take it on board. If it doesn’t then I know I am right.
Damian: I didn’t really give an opinion, I just shared my experience and asked a question you did the rest yourself.
Tony: Whatever, you still shared, but yeah.
Damian: OK, glad you have something to work on, and I have a feeling it is going to be productive.
Tony: So do I.
Damian: The very fact you have acknowledged you are happy to have Mephisto in your art and not in your blogging, is sign you are differentiate the two.
Tony: I always have. I just allowed Mephisto to overshadow me.
Damian: Blindly!
Tony: 
