Archive for the ‘Committment’ Category

February 17th, 2010 By Tony Posted in Committment, Relationships, communication, friendship

You Gotta Have Friends

How is it that one can look at someone who is supposed to be a friend and think, “What an ugly person?”  How is it that one can look at a person with whom you have been friends for a long time, and suddenly see a stranger instead? Would you laugh or cry?

Without going into detail, I am currently estranged from a long time friend, and I am damned if I know what I am going to do about it. I chewed the ear off another friend, to whom I admitted that I am sorely tempted to let the whole fucking friendship go down the gurgler. I am thinking, “Enough already!” In fact the only feelings of love for my friend that I harbour are of the violent kind. If I gave you, my faithful readers a graphic description of those feelings, would you not think, “Where did Tony go?”

The whole issue of love and friendship is such a huge bug bear for me. I take close friendship seriously, I feel them rather deeply, and I have staying power.  Too much sometimes, me thinks. Though with this particular friend, I’m not sure I want to stay. That makes me sound like a callous bastard I know, and as one friend asked me, “Is this friend really worth all that trouble?” Well, inspite of everything, of course I think my friend is worth it. All my friends are worth it.

I’ve survived far worse fallouts, and I’ve gone back and fixed them all up. Ask Mountain Man, he will tell you. He has seen me at my worse, and still had room in his heart to forgive me. Then again, as he said to me this past weekend, “We survived because we talked, we had it out, and we moved on.” Yeah I agree, however, I just am not sure I want to fix this one though. Don’t know why. Maybe it’s the effort required. Yes I know, I am contradicting my earlier assertion that all my friends are worth it.

Sure I fucked up big time, but then again so did my friend. Not as big as me, perhaps, but still. Well my friend is fucking up now! That balances it out! I am sick of making all the first moves, sick of opening up my heart while my friend plays the academic, and sick of making myself vulnerable, all for the love of a fucking friendship.

This estrangement [close friendships are like love affairs], where I witnessed my friend as a stranger, was one of the many eye-opening experiences I have been having these last few weeks.

In my writings about letting go, moving on, and personal changes, I have been so intent on the “observable” and external [conscious] process and pace, anxious that change happens, that I have ignored the inner and less obvious [the subconscious] metamorphosis that has been occurring.

I was sitting at the dining room table, with The Scarlet Tiger and The Angel of Cuddles in Angel’s flat, on Monday 11 January, 2010 [of course]. We had just completed a fotoshoot, finished dinner, and we were relaxing over a glass of wine.  I was watching them as they conversed, and I felt a wave of love ripple across my face. A love with no rhyme or reason. It just sprung up and out from within me. Was this unconditional love, I’m still not sure, but I do know, that it was a love devoid of ulterior motives.

It was a eureka moment. A moment that I was not quite prepared for. Thinking about it now, I am not sure what that portends exactly, but it is a good feeling. It is opening up the road down which I have longed to travel. One where I am free to be myself, free to love who I want to love, and free of the burden of expectation.

Meanwhile, do I miss my friend? In spite of all that I have said? Fucking hell I do!

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November 28th, 2009 By Tony Posted in Committment, Counselling, Inner Work, Relationships, Self Development, Self Knowledge, Spiritual & Personal Growth, Stories

Water, Fire, Two Chats & A Rumination

It is now Saturday afternoon, the heat, the heat, the heat, and I am exhausted. Emotionally exhausted, rather than physical. My head is throbbing, and my tinnitus is celebrating Christmas rather early. Actually, it’s been making whoopee for quite some time now, and there are no signs of it letting up.

I am looking forward to my forthcoming break. I am heading down south to Ballarat, Victoria. I just have to escape Sydney for a while, I can’t process the internal changes that are happening while I stay here. My friend Gary shone like a beacon, in the night, and I turned my face towards that light and I remembered his invitation. He had been “begging” me to come down for a while now.

“Just come down.” said Marnie.

“Just come down Tone” Gary chimed in.

So I am throwing caution to the wind, with a great big “FUCK IT, I’M GUNNA DO IT!” and heading down south. It took me all of 30 minutes to discuss, confirm and book.  Online.

I’m going down by day train, and returning on a night train. I could go by plane, but the train is actually less hassle. Besides, it will be a homage to my past trips, through the Australian countryside. Been a long time since I saw the outback, the bush, when my father used to drive over to Adelaide to pick up me, my mother and brothers, after a family holiday, and we would drive back via the coast, all the way up to Sydney.

Shaking my head at the memories! In a brown Chevy, hotels, heat, pub lunches, long stretches of nothing and cows humping!

I am excited about going down. Apart from soothing some frayed nerves, I have no plans other than to chill out, do some writing, finish some art work, a couple of bibs and bobs for Deaf Australia NSW, and allow my subconscious to lay the foundations for whatever may come.

I’ve had more intensive self analysis post counselling than I have had during. And I am grateful, because, my friends have given me the opportunity to explore further, the issues that came up during my counselling sessions. I got to explore them without the pressure of time. Conversations took their natural course. But I am still hanging out for the one point of release I still need to do. That I want to do. I still want to be able to break down and have a good cry.

I came close, when I went to see the Angel of Cuddles, last Monday. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t let go. I sighed instead.

The point of a good cry, is let go of my grief for the past. To acknowledge the fuck ups, the missed opportunities, the regrets, and my long gone youth. To kiss them all goodbye, so that I may be born again. I need to become me. I need to become the person I know I am. I need to become whole. To reconcile Tony with Mephisto.

Today, I had two long conversations. One with Noreen (7.30 am to just on ten), and not long after, friend Damian (which lasted until 1 pm, Sydney time). Both of them are LEO’s, birthday a week apart, but Noreen is water to my fire, whilst Damian is fire to my fire. Interestingly, both of them are LEO’s, but Noreen is water to my fire, and Damian is fire to my fire. A raging fire. This gets me thinking about my relationships with some of my other friends in terms of the elements.  My Angel of Cuddles is definitely earth, he grounds me. My Mountain Man is water [deep blue sea]. Joshua is water [a bubbling brook]. Colleen is fire [glowing embers], and Alison is water [raging ocean].

My chat with Damian this morning was a rather intense rumination. I am OK with that, because he is a fucking good friend, and there is a lot of love there, that has withstood the geographical separation and decade since we last saw each other. Ditto with my friend Alison. I know my instincts, which serve me well when I listen to them. My sense of them comes through quite strongly, and text can convey more meaning and presence than many people will acknowledge. I have witnessed the changes in their lives through text and webcam.

Anyhow, the point I want to make is, yes my ruminations with Damian are rather intense, but I am finding that I am less and less inclined to run from, or deflect if you like, from some of the observations he makes. I still deflect, and he does keep pointing it out [FYD :-P ], but he is not judging. He re-affirms, that it is unrealistic to expect an overnight change, in a habit that has been a mainstay for my entire life.

You know what? I don’t want to run. I don’t want to run from my friends. I want honest relationships with them. I want to fight with them, fearlessly, as much as I want to love them. I want to be fully human with them. I want to embrace the adult in me. Try to forsake childish ways.

I first discovered this adult like response in one of my early chats with Noreen. It does feel good. It doesn’t mean I am striving for perfection. It means I am working to take ownership of me. It means assuming the responsibility of determining the best course of action for me. It also means, acknowledging my humanity, and to stop apologising for it.

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