Archive for the ‘Self Work’ Category

August 5th, 2010 By Tony Posted in Committment, Inner Work, Relationships, Self, Self Development, Self Knowledge, Self Work, Spiritual & Personal Growth, The Midnight Rambler, communication

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation PIII

To answer the question my friend Noreen asked: “If you can’t be honest about what you’re fighting about, then how the fuck can you come to a resolution?”

The answer is, “You can’t.”

This morning she commented: “When the other person who you have a conflict with seems to be unable for whatever their reasons are, or is unwilling, to swallow their fat heads and say sorry, or take even a miniscule amount of responsibility.”

Again, “How the fuck do you come to a resolution?”

The answer is, “You don’t.”

So, if I make the first move, and resolve things with the person I have the conflict with, then how can the relationship continue, as it was before: If the trust has been abused? If a person was dishonest? If a person persists with that stance, that they take no responsibility, then how can I open myself up to them again?

Still irony abounds, one friend gave me some advice about dealing with tension when you share the same social circle or same friends as the person you have fall out with. He said, what you should do, is approach that person privately, and ask if you can come to an agreement how to deal with each other at social functions. The irony being, I have since fallen out with that friend, whom I am avoiding by not fronting up to a dinner party we were both invited to. He has not approached me to diffuse the situation!

Of course it’s never as simple as this, but the time has come to take care of business. That business is me, and me is the business that I am going to take care of.

From this night on, I will be going to bed with the knowledge that it is not all my fault. I am not responsible for all the conflicts in my life. I am not responsible for the other person choosing to escalate the conflict. I am not responsible for other person choosing to behave badly in a conflict. I am responsible for me.

As my friend Noreen says to me: “Sweetie. Sugar Pie Honey Bunch! It takes two to tango. It takes two to have a conflict, and it takes to resolve a conflict.” I have done what I can, and now is time to let it all go. Let it play out, however it plays out. As my status on Facebook states, “Life is too short to stress yourself with people who won’t accept the responsibility for their part in the shits storms that happen between you!”

Related Posts:

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation PII

Route 66 [The Last Cafe Before The Open Road]

1 Comment

August 4th, 2010 By Tony Posted in Committment, Inner Work, Love & Eros, Relationships, Self, Self Development, Self Knowledge, Self Work, Spiritual & Personal Growth, The Midnight Rambler, communication, friendship, inner work

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation PII

I was meditating on the conversation I had with Mountain Man last Friday night and I like where I am now, and I like where I am going. When I wrote Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation, there was more I wanted to say, but I had to pull back, until I sorted out what I wanted to say.

I have been doing a fucking lot of work on myself the last two years, even more so, in the months after I stopped counselling. Looking back, I suppose you could say, that the shit that hit the fan, was a necessary kick up the arse. Necessary to stop the rot of complacency setting in, because I was thinking, I have finished counselling, I have changed, ignoring the fact that I had a lot more work to do.

I was so high I was the lucky one
Then I came crashing down like a drunk on a barroom floor
Searching for my beautiful reward
Searching for my beautiful reward [My Beautiful Reward, Bruce Springsteen]

And so the shit did hit the fan. Indulge me my melodrama, if you will, and roll your eyes too, if you will. But the shit hit the fucking fan!

I was ricocheting emotions left, right and centre. I was jettisoning a life time’s worth of shit. I was a budding film director’s headlining act for a season on Broadway [read: Facebook]. I went to parties where stonewalling and avoidance were popular party games. I tied myself in knots. I belittled myself in reconciliation, flagellating myself for being such a bad boy. I played the role of punching bag, and falling for the bullshit that all my conflicts, past and present, were my fault, symptomatic of a recurring pattern. And, IT WAS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT!

Time passes, as time does, and after several months, the shit finally began to clear, I breathe a sigh of relief. There have been some casualties, such as honesty, integrity, trust, and an avoidance of certain social gatherings. But I am happy that my important friendships remain intact, I am forgiven, I am still loved, and I continue to change and grow.

However, there is a lingering resentment, which manifests itself as an emotional and mental block. It wasn’t until a recent incident forced me to recognise and acknowledge that I am still angry. It is forcing me to question my own integrity and values. It is forcing me to examine the direction I am taking my relationships with people.

I am angry for a number of reasons. I took on all of the responsibility for the conflicts I experienced. I break it I fix it, they break it, I still fix it. I took full responsibility when conflicts blew out of all proportion because of the aggrieved person’s own complicity. I even took responsibility for the person’s own complicity. And I am pissed off because it is me that has to mop up any unfinished business.

The question now is why am I allowing myself to be derailed by conflicts that started because I was being human? Why am I being derailed by other people’s humanity? Why am I taking on their shit as well as my own?

But I am not being derailed. As I said earlier, I am still moving, working things out, growing and changing. I am avoiding certain socials, until I can work my way through the emotional blocks I have. A friend recently reminded me, “You should attend the socials with an air of forgiveness and accommodation. If they are indifferent, then you effect the same indifference.” I said to him, “I don’t want to make nice. I am not ready to make nice. Having been subjected to that shit earlier this year, I will be damned if I am gunna eat cheese, again!”

Now that I have acknowledged my anger, the question is, “What do I want to see happen?” I am still working on that one, and that any resolution has to sit with my conscience. Suffice to say, the shit you shovel, I won’t be eating!

You see, one of the scary things about working my way through my issues, is coming to a point of indifference. I don’t drop friends that easily. My sense of loyalty is too strong. Love changing to hate, I understand, because hate can turn back into love. But indifference, that’s scary, that’s really letting go, and once I let go, I rarely go back!

So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
Or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of Philadelphia  [Streets of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen]

Related Posts:

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation

Route 66 [The Last Cafe Before The Open Road]

2 Comments

← Previous Entries