Archive for the ‘friendship’ Category

Honest Conflict: A Reflection

Last Saturday night, I and my mate Yukka parked our arses outside the Irish Pub in The Rocks, for our usual imbibing of epiphanies at the fountain of wisdom.

With the exception of a single shot of Sambuca, it was James Squire all night, served in a beautiful, tubular glass embossed with the James Squire name and logo. One drink became, you know how the story goes, the one drink that takes you to the state of inebriation, on the good bus verbal diarrhoea, ending at the Cafe Lounge, where I could collect my euphonious thoughts before I called it a night to hop, jump and skip home, whistling Dixie.

After the first toast, we walked to the Harbour View Hotel. There we were rudely interrupted by flock of hen’s out for a night on the town, before the ritual plucking of the feathers. I posed as 007; Yukka took his shirt off, which he rather enjoyed. A few photos, two chocolate coins, and a free drink later, we continued on our way to the glorious state of inebriation.

You won’t get to see any photos on Facebook, because we don’t know their names and they don’t know ours. That’s way it usually is right? “Strangers in the night…………”

On the fourth drink, Yukka said to me: “I don’t understand how you have fallen out with these people. You are quite amiable to me.”  I laughed and replied, “But that’s probably because you came along at a different point in my life.” I didn’t elaborate in great detail, that’s for another less inebriated time – because drinking leads to verbal diarrhoea that outpaces coherent thought – but I did say……..hic!

I love talking, not just shooting the shit, but leaning forward towards my drinking companion, and earnestly gazing my navel, then leaning back, as they soliloquise about their own navel, or lack of. Then talking over each other, as you get more and more inebriated, pulling each other up on your respective bullshit, nose to nose as you lovingly dagger eye your mate, and tell each other to “Get fucked!” Then lean back once more, raising a toast and professing your undying love and devotion.

And the only difference between good friends and lovers is the sex, which is often bad or just plain lacking, can you tell which?

Even in this inebriated state, the truth will out, seduce you with its Siren Song. If you pay attention, and listen, and I do mean really listen, you will find all sorts of absolutions. You will learn many things. You will learn many wonderful things. You will have epiphanies. You jaw will drop at the revelation that people do notice when you stop turning up to events. That people notice conflicts between members of the tribe. That people will confirm that tribal gatherings can be quite the three ring circus.

Like I said, you will learn many things. Of them all, the most important, perhaps, but a salient one, is that you are not the only one fucking up. You are not the only one being labelled and boxed. It will be made abundantly clear that the people judging you and labelling you are themselves being judged and labelled.

So go forth my friend, you are a good man. A man among men. Have faith, for his eye is on the sparrow!

Related Posts:

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation
Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation PII
Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation PIII

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation PII

I was meditating on the conversation I had with Mountain Man last Friday night and I like where I am now, and I like where I am going. When I wrote Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation, there was more I wanted to say, but I had to pull back, until I sorted out what I wanted to say.

I have been doing a fucking lot of work on myself the last two years, even more so, in the months after I stopped counselling. Looking back, I suppose you could say, that the shit that hit the fan, was a necessary kick up the arse. Necessary to stop the rot of complacency setting in, because I was thinking, I have finished counselling, I have changed, ignoring the fact that I had a lot more work to do.

I was so high I was the lucky one
Then I came crashing down like a drunk on a barroom floor
Searching for my beautiful reward
Searching for my beautiful reward [My Beautiful Reward, Bruce Springsteen]

And so the shit did hit the fan. Indulge me my melodrama, if you will, and roll your eyes too, if you will. But the shit hit the fucking fan!

I was ricocheting emotions left, right and centre. I was jettisoning a life time’s worth of shit. I was a budding film director’s headlining act for a season on Broadway [read: Facebook]. I went to parties where stonewalling and avoidance were popular party games. I tied myself in knots. I belittled myself in reconciliation, flagellating myself for being such a bad boy. I played the role of punching bag, and falling for the bullshit that all my conflicts, past and present, were my fault, symptomatic of a recurring pattern. And, IT WAS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT!

Time passes, as time does, and after several months, the shit finally began to clear, I breathe a sigh of relief. There have been some casualties, such as honesty, integrity, trust, and an avoidance of certain social gatherings. But I am happy that my important friendships remain intact, I am forgiven, I am still loved, and I continue to change and grow.

However, there is a lingering resentment, which manifests itself as an emotional and mental block. It wasn’t until a recent incident forced me to recognise and acknowledge that I am still angry. It is forcing me to question my own integrity and values. It is forcing me to examine the direction I am taking my relationships with people.

I am angry for a number of reasons. I took on all of the responsibility for the conflicts I experienced. I break it I fix it, they break it, I still fix it. I took full responsibility when conflicts blew out of all proportion because of the aggrieved person’s own complicity. I even took responsibility for the person’s own complicity. And I am pissed off because it is me that has to mop up any unfinished business.

The question now is why am I allowing myself to be derailed by conflicts that started because I was being human? Why am I being derailed by other people’s humanity? Why am I taking on their shit as well as my own?

But I am not being derailed. As I said earlier, I am still moving, working things out, growing and changing. I am avoiding certain socials, until I can work my way through the emotional blocks I have. A friend recently reminded me, “You should attend the socials with an air of forgiveness and accommodation. If they are indifferent, then you effect the same indifference.” I said to him, “I don’t want to make nice. I am not ready to make nice. Having been subjected to that shit earlier this year, I will be damned if I am gunna eat cheese, again!”

Now that I have acknowledged my anger, the question is, “What do I want to see happen?” I am still working on that one, and that any resolution has to sit with my conscience. Suffice to say, the shit you shovel, I won’t be eating!

You see, one of the scary things about working my way through my issues, is coming to a point of indifference. I don’t drop friends that easily. My sense of loyalty is too strong. Love changing to hate, I understand, because hate can turn back into love. But indifference, that’s scary, that’s really letting go, and once I let go, I rarely go back!

So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
Or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of Philadelphia  [Streets of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen]

Related Posts:

Honest Conflict Leaves The Door Open For Reconciliation

Route 66 [The Last Cafe Before The Open Road]