This is the last stop before I hit the open road. I have just finished a mug of hot chocolate, cocoa with a teaspoon of honey, and heated in the microwave oven for 3.5 to 4 minutes, stopping to stir every 30 seconds.
I am listening to Grandpa’s Song [lyrics], These Hands [Lyrics], and Lead Me On [Lyrics] by Vika and Linda. I have them on high rotation. I never get sick of listening to these two songs. They are my soothing songs for when I am feeling vulnerable:
You know how it feels
And you understand
What it is to be a stranger in this unfriendly land [Lead Me On]
are my inspirational songs for when I need a good kick up the arse:
When a voice came drifting, warm and rise
Something lifting me up to the sky
These hands that hold me, are good and strong
I’ll be on my feet before too long [These Hands]
and they are my loving songs for the times when I need a little loving:
Now I look back, on all that I’ve done
I hope you’ve forgiven me, see I was so young
I have grown, I now walk alone
I feel you beside me, still guiding me home [Grandpa's Song]
I am thinking about the conversation I had with my friend Damian last Thursday. I changed my ISP and the broadband speed was now 1500 kps, so I suggested we give signing via webcam another try. With the exception of pixelation, the signing it was great, though I wait for the day for the day when broadband speeds are so fast [and cheap] that we can sign as fluidly as we do in real time.
Some way into our conversation, it dawned on me, how much our relationship had changed. I haven’t seen him since I left the UK in 1999. Our online communications had been intermittent, until a chance encounter on Facebook, in July of 2009, I assumed it was shipwrecked. Since then, we reconnected, cleared away the debris of our past, and dismantled the walls between us. I was [we were] having a conversation with a mate that was devoid of my usual defenses and deflections, and it felt good.
First Mountain man, now Damian. All that hard work had paid off. Damn has it paid off!
For all, all the times you closed your eyes
Allowing me to stumble or to be surprised
By life, with all it’s twists and turns
I made mistakes, you always knew that I would learn [My One True Friend]
On the weekend just passed, after another “stupid is, as stupid does” episode, I decided, “Fuck this, enough is enough!” I am not letting go of my friends, but I am letting go of these things:
I am letting go of how I was running my life to date.
I am letting go of how I used to run my relationships.
I am letting go of controlling my relationships.
I am letting go of taking all the responsibility in my relationships.
I am letting go of accepting full responsibility for the conflicts in my relationships.
I am letting go of the guilt, because you won’t forgive, and throw my apology back in my face.
I am letting go of taking sole responsibility for failed relationships.
I am letting go of being the first person to say hello in my relationships.
I am letting go of being the first person to try and smooth over conflicts things in my relationships.
I am letting go of doing all the maintenance work on my relationships.
If I forgot anything, then i will be letting go of that when it comes to mind!
As of now, I am the centre of my life and I am the most important person in my life. The most important relationship I have, is with me, myself and I. I will fill my life with things of my choosing. It takes two to dance, and if you don’t want to dance with me, then I will go find someone who does!
With a partner or without a partner, I dance just fine. I am capable of some fucking cool moves! *thumbs up*
