It is gone past Boxing Day when I meant to write this post. It is now Monday 28th December, 2009, and not long until 2009 ticks over into 2010. I had intended that this piece to be a reflection on the past year, my personal and spiritual growth, and an appreciation of my friends. After yesterday’s conversation with Joshua, I’m not sure what this piece is about now.
I am feeling sad, not as sad as I was yesterday, but sad nonetheless. No, I am not depressed, just sad, and it has nothing to do with Christmas. I do know the sadness is stemming from the changes I am going through. It didn’t set in until after I parted ways with Joshua, and when I arrived home, it hit me. The conversation between Joshua and I, was a cautionary tale for me, lest I become too full of my own pride, that I blind myself to the fact that I still have more to learn, that I have some destructive behaviours that remain unchanged, and that I am still fallible.
I also know that my sadness is a remnant from my the fallout following the breakdown in communications between me and Joshua several weeks back. Perhaps, it is indicative of a deeper malaise, guilt, shame, I don’t know, or maybe I do, and don’t want to admit it. I am still processing the conversation I had with Joshua yesterday. It’s not one of self recrimination, nor one of self criticism, but one of looking at the situation, salvaging the friendship and learning from it. More importantly, it is about letting go of the situation, letting go of the negative energy that has accumulated, which was preventing, on my part, any reconnection between Joshua and I.
Joshua and I covered a lot of ground yesterday, and it was heavy, and I am hoping that some how through the muddle, we managed to make each other understood. Thinking back on the issues we covered, one thing I was asking, which I’m not sure if I made clear at the time, was for him to see what I was going through, my point of view and to acknowledge them, the same as he would rightfully expect of me. I was not asking him [or any of my other friends for that matter] to excuse my [or any] poor behaviour. But I do hope for his forgiveness, in spirit if not in so many words, as I accept his apology, though I didn’t say it at the time [resigned shrug].
However, between you and Joshua will be never forgotten through both good and bad times. The main thing you’ve let your old Tony go and you’ve let the situation go because the inner of yourself is becoming developed through the time, it’s important to release the emotional.
I faithfully hoped you’re all right at the moment and I will be always thinking of you.
Aaahhh, sadness. To not flounder against the tide of melancholy, but to allow it to cradle you in it’s arms, and gently rock you with it’s ebb and flow…All part of this experience we call living. Big life changes such as the ones you’ve inticiated can bring about a sense of loss, of grief, perhaps (and hence the sadness that follows)…
As you move forward along this new journey, Tony, reassure yourself that no matter what has come to pass, and what will be in your future, you have the power to influence outcomes, and most of all, you have the power of how you choose to interpret/react/respond to EVERYTHING.
My deepest and most heartfelt wish for your 2010 (and well beyond) is that you are always reminded of the intelligent, interesting, thoughtful, funny, naughty, influential, LOVED individual you are.
xx