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I am a very instinctual person. Not that I am always right, ask my friend Alison whom I misjudged when I first met her.  But in general, I do tend to trust my instincts over what I am told, or what is shown to me; when meeting new people, being involved in new situations, or observing committee members in action.

If I am true to myself , I prefer not to make immediate, or face value judgements. I would rather let a person reveal themselves to me, through what do, rather than what they actually say, or even better, when they make Freudian slips. Watching situations unfold and watching how people act and respond, makes for some interesting revelations. Especially if you know the people/ persons very well or are close to them.

Why am I saying this?

Well, a couple of my friends have asked me, in reference to my posts Little Demon: The Adored One and Little Demon: The Adored One: The Adored One Part II, how can I be sure that my feelings are not, or won’t be reciprocated? All I can say, is that my instincts aren’t telling me otherwise. And if I trust my instincts, then I have my answer, but of course, in this is a situation I would love to be  proven wrong. So, bring it on!

I have started journaling again, at the suggestion by a friend. I used to journal, but have not done so in years. Never felt the need to. But the Adored One is causing me so much angst, that I need to work it out. At least, with journaling,  which will be private, I can write explicitly about The Adored One. After all, what is a journal, but a voodoo doll. The pen is the pin, the words are all the gamut of emotions known to man, and I can pretend that they are the ones suffering without my love to ease the pain!

Another issue that came up, and one that my counsellor raised. “Am I falling for a straight guy [or that person], because it is safe to do so?”

I can see the point of the question, but I don’t think I am. Simply, the attraction just happens. It could well be, that it was always there to begin with, but something happens that changes my feelings for the Adored One. Maybe I am not aware that I am actually looking for the sexual attraction, thinking it’s only the friendship that I want. Or admitting to anything other than friendship?

It’s not that I can’t come to terms with my feelings for the Adored One. My first Adored One, whom I am still close friends with, 27 years later, I am still attracted to. And I guess, through the counselling process, I was finally able to express many of my feelings and emotions from that time. This allowed me to be released from that situation and move on. I am comfortable with my feelings for him. I am no longer guilty or anxious. Maybe there will always be some issues, but in the main I am OK. I can settle down and enjoy the relationship for what it is, and love my friend, as all good friends should.

In the light of what I have just said, history is repeating itself. There are several issues I will list, but not elaborate on, that I am resisting having to grapple with:

• Am I confusing emotional/ platonic attraction with sexual attraction?
• Am I using my feelings for the Adored One, to fill in a real need?
• Am I really attracted to him? When I looking at some pictures of him I wonder what he fuck is all this fuss about? I can pick holes in his physical attractiveness, but it does not alleviate the pangs.
• Why am I fighting this so hard? Over analysing it even?
• Why am I resisting letting go of the idea that I may not be attracted to the Adored One at all?
• Why am I resisting telling the Adored One how I feel?
• Why am I resisting the idea that I may not really be sexually attracted to the Adored One?
• Why am I resisting the idea that I can come to terms with my feelings and still be friends? [Maybe it's because I don't fucking want to!]

Perhaps, the answer IS the fear of discovering that my friendship is a sham, and that I am a selfish politician, if I reject the relationship because I do not get what I want? Perhaps IT IS the fear of feeling empty, when if I let go of the attraction because it makes me feel good? Perhaps IT IS, the fear of being discovered as a fraud, because I was not a genuine friend? Perhaps IT IS the  fear of being caught out as a fool? More pertinently, perhaps it is the simple fear of being found out to be human, and making a  right arse of things like all human beings do? Perhaps I am fighting my humanity, and not allowing myself to be human in all its glorious mess? Perhaps I am under estimating my own strength and will, in dealing with my attraction to the Adored One?

In my more lucid moments, when I am not being distracted by the Adored One, I find that there is a distinct difference to my attraction to the Adored One now, and the Adored Ones of yesteryear’s. While I am still engaged in an all out war with myself and my feelings, I’m no longer disparaging myself as a person. A sign of greater confidence in myself?

That’s why I invented Mephisto. To be everything, I felt I wasn’t.

Related Articles:

Little Demon: The Adored One: The Adored One Part II
Little Demon: The Adored One