Little Demon: My Adored Other. If You Look Closely, You Will See Me Trapped In Little Demon
I’ve never had the opportunity to explore the issue of unrequited love/ sexual attraction, until one of my conversations with Noreen last week. Even in counselling, I only touched on it briefly. And tonight [Monday, 16 November, 2009], I had another reaffirming chat with her.
I’ve never experienced the Romantic Ideal of love, and at 48 years of age, beginning to think I never will. All the romance I’ve ever experienced, played, and continues to play, itself out in my close friendships. They are everything love relationships should be, except there is no sex.
I am writing this post, because once again, I have been afflicted. Afflicted! Afflicted! Afflicted! Fuc-KING, Afflicted! Not pierced by Cupid’s Bow! Not seduced with a bottle of Ralph Lauren’s “Polo” and a crappy Broadway tune about a crowded ballroom! Certainly not head over heels and floating on cloud nine! But, AFFLICTED! Seriously afflicted in that I fancy the pants of this hearing friend, who is not even aware of the way I feel about him. Maybe I am being a bit melodramatic, but still, it’s a fucking crappy situation to be in. Especially when you know it won’t be reciprocated.
I honestly did not go looking for it. Unrequited Love. It came looking for me, as it always does. It taunted me, knowing full well that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. In spite of my wisdom, my knowledge and experience, I still manage to find new ways of singing my favourite song, “Let’s Be Stupid!”
It is now 3.28 am in the morning, Tuesday morning, 17 November, 2009, and I just cannot sleep. Not because I’m floating on cloud nine, playing the celestial harp for my Adored One. But because I am still in processing mode. Instead, I am sat at the computer surfing guides to the real world: Unrequited love, Agony and Rapture, I love my best friend [which evokes memories of that first unrequited love], What is Unrequited Love?, and if you just have to laugh about it, Unrequited Love Nos 1- 100.
It is now 9.59 am, Tuesday morning, 17 November, 2009, and it is a gloriously cool day in Sydney.
I know I am being facetious. Ignoring the advice of my counsellor, who said I should allow myself to experience my feelings. My friend Damian says the same thing, “Allow yourself to feel!”. My friends Noreen and Alison, keep dispensing this simple piece of advice, “Be Kind To Yourself.” Even Hugo, My Mountain Man, says, “Don’t blunt your feelings.” We agreed that I would only hurt myself, and we continuing to drink to Little Demon: The Adored One, ruminating about attraction, how to stop yourself from falling, and just admitting to the Adored One that I fancy the pants of him, and get on with it. Whatever it is, that needs getting on with.
Noreen thinks that I should tell the Adored One how I feel. This went against my instincts which are telling me to run. After thinking it, something didn’t quite gel. I asked to elaborate, and she replied: “That I was monopolising a situation that involved him!” Hugo agreed with her, pointing out that I am talking about him to her [Noreen] and himself, but not the Adored One, himself.
But still I grapple with the issue of, why would I, if it won’t give me what I want?
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Question: do you naturally seek out falling for someone you know you cannot have, because its safer? And are you refusing to say anything, because it shatters this illusion? In other words is this love partly amplified by imagination, what could be rather than what is?
I’m not dismissing your feelings, but what about the self induced variation of Romeo and Juliet that is playing in your head? Is this really about this person or are you falling for the idea of attachment?
Okay, perhaps it is but …
I have to laugh at this. I keep getting asked this question. To be honest, I don’t really know. If it were simply that scenario you outlined, then I would be doing it more often. As it is, it rarely happens to me like this. So, I am inclined to say that I am responding to something.
In each case, I was not consciously looking at all…..
Okay I get you buy don’t dismiss the idea because it doesn’t play out so often. Noone is attracted to everything, thus it naturally follows that the process you’re going through won’t happen with everyone you meet. Why don’t you try analysing what you like about the person? What makes you feel so latched?
For the record, I don’t think what you’re experiencing is unique. For me to be deeply attracted to someone, I have to be connected on an emotional level otherwise it doesn’t happen. That comes with all kinds of weird hazards.
We live in an age that promotes physical or stuff like porn, and too often the expectation exists this is the only mode to experience attraction. Its not. Why are you feeling the need to go through all this questioning, that you are confusing whatever? Its almost like a motivation that you’re abnormal for doing so and must question the process or its the wrong kind of attraction. Ditch the bullshit, that’s just you. Accept. If you take physical attraction you would not do a complete analysis of why you were attracted to a man, if you were confusing some light rays and whatever, simply cos the feeling might not be mutual. So what’s the difference here?
The real issue is a) do you want to let the person know what you feel, b) where feelings are not mutual, how you are best going to deal with it. End of story, just pick up a few insights along the way who Tony is.
Lots of love, your bossy friend(!)
I should have added to that last comment, whilst I need to be connected on an emotional level, I don’t experience attraction to everyone I get close to.
In the same way, you might be good looking or desirable physical features but that doesn’t automatically denote a sexual connection.