Little Demon: The Adored One
Little Demon: My Adored Other. If You Look Closely, You Will See Me Trapped In Little Demon
I’ve never had the opportunity to explore the issue of unrequited love/ sexual attraction, until one of my conversations with Noreen last week. Even in counselling, I only touched on it briefly. And tonight [Monday, 16 November, 2009], I had another reaffirming chat with her.
I’ve never experienced the Romantic Ideal of love, and at 48 years of age, beginning to think I never will. All the romance I’ve ever experienced, played, and continues to play, itself out in my close friendships. They are everything love relationships should be, except there is no sex.
I am writing this post, because once again, I have been afflicted. Afflicted! Afflicted! Afflicted! Fuc-KING, Afflicted! Not pierced by Cupid’s Bow! Not seduced with a bottle of Ralph Lauren’s “Polo” and a crappy Broadway tune about a crowded ballroom! Certainly not head over heels and floating on cloud nine! But, AFFLICTED! Seriously afflicted in that I fancy the pants of this hearing friend, who is not even aware of the way I feel about him. Maybe I am being a bit melodramatic, but still, it’s a fucking crappy situation to be in. Especially when you know it won’t be reciprocated.
I honestly did not go looking for it. Unrequited Love. It came looking for me, as it always does. It taunted me, knowing full well that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. In spite of my wisdom, my knowledge and experience, I still manage to find new ways of singing my favourite song, “Let’s Be Stupid!”
It is now 3.28 am in the morning, Tuesday morning, 17 November, 2009, and I just cannot sleep. Not because I’m floating on cloud nine, playing the celestial harp for my Adored One. But because I am still in processing mode. Instead, I am sat at the computer surfing guides to the real world: Unrequited love, Agony and Rapture, I love my best friend [which evokes memories of that first unrequited love], What is Unrequited Love?, and if you just have to laugh about it, Unrequited Love Nos 1- 100.
It is now 9.59 am, Tuesday morning, 17 November, 2009, and it is a gloriously cool day in Sydney.
I know I am being facetious. Ignoring the advice of my counsellor, who said I should allow myself to experience my feelings. My friend Damian says the same thing, “Allow yourself to feel!”. My friends Noreen and Alison, keep dispensing this simple piece of advice, “Be Kind To Yourself.” Even Hugo, My Mountain Man, says, “Don’t blunt your feelings.” We agreed that I would only hurt myself, and we continuing to drink to Little Demon: The Adored One, ruminating about attraction, how to stop yourself from falling, and just admitting to the Adored One that I fancy the pants of him, and get on with it. Whatever it is, that needs getting on with.
Noreen thinks that I should tell the Adored One how I feel. This went against my instincts which are telling me to run. After thinking it, something didn’t quite gel. I asked to elaborate, and she replied: “That I was monopolising a situation that involved him!” Hugo agreed with her, pointing out that I am talking about him to her [Noreen] and himself, but not the Adored One, himself.
But still I grapple with the issue of, why would I, if it won’t give me what I want?
Related Articles:
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Shrinking and (Re) Inflation: My Thoughts On Counselling
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Mephistic Moments: On Knowing Someone
An Hour In The Sandpit With The Sins Of Mephisto
An Hour In The Sandpit With The Sins Of Mephisto PII
