Last night [it is now Wednesday 11, November, 7.48 am] I was in a deep funk.
Since last Friday, I have been feeling rather vulnerable, pissed off with one friend who say they would call and did not call, being driven to distraction by feelings for a hearing friend, last nite I was curt with another friend online, and I supposed to go to a Deaf Australia [NSW] meeting, for some inconsequential thing or other.
When I was at the bus stop, I was thinking, “Fuck! I don’t wanna do this!” So I texted the president, and I went straight home.
I was so fucking overwhelmed and feeling really out at sea. I really wanted a pair of arms to sink into, and a nice warm neck to nuzzle up against, but there were [are] no other options at this point in time, other than good old reliable chat. I put out a distress signal to a friend on Facebook [under the guise of altering plans], and she responded. Why I chose her, and not any of my other long time friends, [shrug] perhaps it was the unfamiliarity of the new? Subconscious? Perhaps she was just there. I’m glad I did.
Normally, I would just suck it up and ride the the feelings out. But not this time. Maybe I had decided subconsciously: to reach out, instead of spurning the idea of asking for help. Whatever. I just accepted her offer to talk, and that’s where I spent two hours last night.
And it did, she did me, the world of good.
An hour into our conversation, and I felt the distress just lift and rise up out of my body. I went to bed with a lighter heart, and woke up this morning, grounded.
Looking back, I don’t think the closure was as clean as I thought it was. Even with me mate, who talked me through post counselling closure [let's just call it that], last Sunday morning, I still felt lost. And still feeling hounded by feelings for my hearing friend.
It is now 2.43 pm, Wednesday Afternoon
It really is good to be able to talk, and without the fear of being judged. To be listened to. To have your feelings acknowledged. To have them validated. That’s what I chose to go to counselling. To get what I felt I couldn’t get from my friends. To talk about ME, without any due consideration for the other person. In normal circumstances, that would be a selfish motive, but…..
Though I can’t help wondering what does it say about me, if I choose to confide in a counsellor, so to speak, and not any of my close friends!
Anyway, my chat last night with my friend, was a change for me. I just focussed on my need to reach out and be heard. Normally, I would be mindful of the other person in the conversation, but not this time. I just wanted to deal with me, and only me, at that point in time. She helped me explore my feelings for this hearing friend, in a lot more depth than I had been able to in counselling, which was the focus of our chat, but you know, I was heard and that was the most important thing.
Our chat did its magic. Marvellously so. For which I am grateful [there goes the bottle of red for NYE sweetie!]
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This is pretty normal for after counseling, if you ask me. I’ve been through it. A lot of feelings get dredged up during counseling, but it takes a good long while to learn how to deal with them now that they’re there. Just because you unearthed them doesn’t mean you’ve totally dealt with them. Your counselor has given you tools. You learned you can talk to people about your feelings. That’s a big step. I’m sure your counselor has suggested meditation, and possibly you already practice it. That helps me tremendously. Any type of meditation is good. I find Zen Buddhist meditation the best. Even though I live in a small town, I was surprised to find a Buddhist monestary not far away.
Thanx for this Kim.. I have done counselling in the past, and the last session petered out…the momentum was lost, so I didn’t pursue it. There was no closure or anything.
This time, I actively sought counselling because there were issues, I wanted to deal with…… and I was told to seek a closure, which I did, and I did…..but now that I don’t have the support of the counsellor, that’s what’s rocking my boat.
I have had some great support these last few days… but yeah, you are right, takes time.
Thanx for your words, much appreciated.