February 17th, 2010
By Tony Posted in Committment, Relationships, communication, friendship

You Gotta Have Friends

How is it that one can look at someone who is supposed to be a friend and think, “What an ugly person?”  How is it that one can look at a person with whom you have been friends for a long time, and suddenly see a stranger instead? Would you laugh or cry?

Without going into detail, I am currently estranged from a long time friend, and I am damned if I know what I am going to do about it. I chewed the ear off another friend, to whom I admitted that I am sorely tempted to let the whole fucking friendship go down the gurgler. I am thinking, “Enough already!” In fact the only feelings of love for my friend that I harbour are of the violent kind. If I gave you, my faithful readers a graphic description of those feelings, would you not think, “Where did Tony go?”

The whole issue of love and friendship is such a huge bug bear for me. I take close friendship seriously, I feel them rather deeply, and I have staying power.  Too much sometimes, me thinks. Though with this particular friend, I’m not sure I want to stay. That makes me sound like a callous bastard I know, and as one friend asked me, “Is this friend really worth all that trouble?” Well, inspite of everything, of course I think my friend is worth it. All my friends are worth it.

I’ve survived far worse fallouts, and I’ve gone back and fixed them all up. Ask Mountain Man, he will tell you. He has seen me at my worse, and still had room in his heart to forgive me. Then again, as he said to me this past weekend, “We survived because we talked, we had it out, and we moved on.” Yeah I agree, however, I just am not sure I want to fix this one though. Don’t know why. Maybe it’s the effort required. Yes I know, I am contradicting my earlier assertion that all my friends are worth it.

Sure I fucked up big time, but then again so did my friend. Not as big as me, perhaps, but still. Well my friend is fucking up now! That balances it out! I am sick of making all the first moves, sick of opening up my heart while my friend plays the academic, and sick of making myself vulnerable, all for the love of a fucking friendship.

This estrangement [close friendships are like love affairs], where I witnessed my friend as a stranger, was one of the many eye-opening experiences I have been having these last few weeks.

In my writings about letting go, moving on, and personal changes, I have been so intent on the “observable” and external [conscious] process and pace, anxious that change happens, that I have ignored the inner and less obvious [the subconscious] metamorphosis that has been occurring.

I was sitting at the dining room table, with The Scarlet Tiger and The Angel of Cuddles in Angel’s flat, on Monday 11 January, 2010 [of course]. We had just completed a fotoshoot, finished dinner, and we were relaxing over a glass of wine.  I was watching them as they conversed, and I felt a wave of love ripple across my face. A love with no rhyme or reason. It just sprung up and out from within me. Was this unconditional love, I’m still not sure, but I do know, that it was a love devoid of ulterior motives.

It was a eureka moment. A moment that I was not quite prepared for. Thinking about it now, I am not sure what that portends exactly, but it is a good feeling. It is opening up the road down which I have longed to travel. One where I am free to be myself, free to love who I want to love, and free of the burden of expectation.

Meanwhile, do I miss my friend? In spite of all that I have said? Fucking hell I do!

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February 9th, 2010
By Tony Posted in Blogging/ Vidblogging, Mephistic Moments, My Inner Mephisto, Spiritual & Personal Growth, The Midnight Rambler

Mephisto Is In The Building

I would like to report, with much great joy, and consternation [not to me], that Mephisto is alive and well.

Mephisto has not left the building. He never did. He is still here by my side, more benign and less aggressive than the Mephisto of yore. He tells me that he is too tired of all that aggro <shrug>, and simply wants to kick back, enjoy his life and have a laugh. Mephisto’s wicked sense of humour which he gets from me, is in fine form just ask Soul Sister. I think she has fallen hard for him!

He tells me that the energy required to bray with donkeys, converse with idiots, and continually rebut lies that are perpetuated about Deafness and disability, is too draining. But I didn’t think so at the time, I was raring to go spit chips and snarl, so I allowed him, Mephisto, to possess my body and give free reign to his acerbic wit and aggression.

It was a deliberate act on my part, allowing Mephisto to voice and express the aggression and acerbic wit that lay dormant within me. My modus operandi was to show Hearing people that Deaf people can match their wit and intelligence, word for word, thought for thought, dagger for dagger, and spit for spit!

I laughed as Mephisto’s eyes lit up, when he baited people just to watch them stumble. I split my sides watching Mephisto scour the dictionaries and thesauruses to give his writings a more literary bent. I even helped him make up words that did not exist, but were linguistically or grammatically correct. Don’t ask me to quote you any, I could find them if I tried, but I can’t be arsed. They are there; all you gotta do is read.

I haven’t been blogging as much of late.  With my internal metamorphosis, and the loss of interest in writing purely about Deaf shit, I just cannot muster the energy to counteract the bullshit that cloaks a lot of writings about deafness and Deafness. Nor can I be arsed to deal summarily with the attitudes of many of the bloggers and writers out there, whose views on deafness are shaped by nothing more than opinion, content to wallow in a thinking that demands nothing more of them, than for them to respond to an idea with more ideas, based on nothing but ideas. But as you know, once a person has an opinion, it is sacrosanct.

No one really has anything new to say about Deafness. That is not strictly true. Research in Deaf Studies [social and cultural] are enlightening, but otherwise it is the same flatulating [there's a new word for ya] bullshit  about communication methods, how we are all the same in spite of the rejection of social and cultural model of deafness,  and how happy a deaf person would be if they could just speak and hear! Sure, now fuck me dead!

Anyway, blag, blag, blag, but Mephisto and I are a happy couple now. It is a great feeling not to be rent with so much aggro.  That’s all I wanted to say really.

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